


Dear Evan Hansen Incorrect Quotes

by GayRubixCube



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Incorrect Quotes, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29630448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayRubixCube/pseuds/GayRubixCube
Summary: Literally just what the title says.
Kudos: 13





	1. Exhausted + Crying

Jared: Are you in love with Evan? 

Connor: *sweats* ...No.

Jared: Then why do you draw ‘E+C’ hearts everywhere?

Connor: It stands for exhausted and crying


	2. Too Tall

Evan: My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips. What should I do?

Jared: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Zoe: Tackle him or kick him in the shins

Alana: Dump him

Connor: NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.


	3. Smiling

Zoe: Why are you smiling? 

Jared: What? Can’t I just be happy? 

Alana: Connor just tripped and fell in the parking lot.


	4. Thot

Evan: What’s a thot? 

Jared: It’s a thoughtful person. 

*later at the dinner table* 

Alana: Here’s the salt, Evan. 

Evan: Thanks, you’re such a thot!

Alana:*spits out water*


	5. Math

Jared: I’m quick at math. 

Alana: Okay what’s 38 times 76? 

Jared: 24. 

Alana: That’s not even close. 

Jared: But it was quick.


	6. Eat

Alana: The food is too hot, I can’t eat it.

Zoe: You’re too hot and I still eat you. 

Connor: One dinner. I just want ONE DINNER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I head canon zoe as having the dirtiest fucking mind ever


	7. Disappointment

Evan: Isn’t it weird how british people say ‘bum bag’ instead of ‘fanny pack’? 

Connor: Yeah and how my dad says ‘You’re a disappointment’ instead of ‘I love you’.

Or

Evan: Isn’t it weird how british people say ‘bum bag’ instead of ‘fanny pack’? 

Jared: Yeah and how my dad says ‘You’re a disappointment’ instead of ‘I love you’.


	8. Deer

Alana: So do you want to tell me how you guys crashed the car? 

Evan: Well we were driving and there was a deer in the middle of the road that Jared couldn’t see, so I shouted “Jared! deer!”

Jared:

Alana: And do you want to tell me what your response was? 

Jared: ...”Yes honey?”


	9. Rules

Jared: Rules were made to be broken! 

Heidi: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. 

Zoe: uh Piñatas?

Connor: Glow sticks

Evan: Karate boards

Alana: Spaghetti when you have a small pot. 

Jared: Rules


	10. Swingset

Connor: Remember that time you dared me to lick the swingset? 

Zoe: No, I said “Connor don’t lick the swingset” then you said “Don’t tell me what to do Zoe” and then you licked the swingset. 

Or

Jared: Remember that time you dared me to lick the swingset? 

Evan: No, I said “Jared don’t lick the swingset” then you said “Don’t tell me what to do Hansen” and then you licked the swingset.


	11. Hydrate

Evan: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!   
Evan: *agressively throws water bottles*

Alana: Um?

Connor: he’s trying to yell mental health and well-being into us. 

Evan: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU. 

Jared: *crying* It’s working.


	12. Tea

Jared: I made tea.

Connor: I don’t want tea. 

Jared: I didn’t make you tea, this is my tea.,

Connor: Then why did you tell me? 

Jared: It’s a conversation starter. 

Connor: It’s a horrible conversation starter.

Jared: Oh is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.


	13. Jeans

Jared: Oh my god Connor those jeans look great! I bet they’d look even better on Evan’s floor. 

Evan: Are you hitting on Connor, for me?


	14. Friends?

Connor: Do you consider me your friend?

Evan: Yeah what else would I consider you? 

Connor: I don’t know. An embarrassment? A way to rebel against your parents? A desperate cry for help? The list is endless.


	15. Knife

Alana: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife? Go!

Zoe: Rude

Connor: Not again

Jared: Are you going to want this back?


	16. F.....

Evan: May I swear

Connor: Of course

Evan: f.... f.... fu- f.....

Connor: Go on

Evan: It’s too hard.


	17. Alive

Connor: Jared, you alive? 

Jared: No. 

Connor: Oh. Guess I’m not buying dinner. 

Jared: Wait... maybe I’m a little bit alive


	18. Funeral

Zoe: Connor, what if I died?

Connor: You’d have a funeral

Zoe: But like, what would you do? 

Connor: I’d go to the funeral..?


	19. Elf on the Shelf

8 year-old Connor: the elf on the shelf is not a cute holiday tradition, but rather a physical embodiment of the orwellian dystopia that we live in today. It is a ploy to make kids blindly accept a surveillance system in their homes and-

Cynthia: PLEASE just help me make cookies


	20. Cheetos

Jared: I’m 35 cheetos tall!

Zoe: Why did you think to measure yourself in cheetos?

Connor: We were out of doritos.


	21. Dog

Connor: We have to tell him the dog died

Zoe: No! Evan your dog ran away

Evan: Why? 

Connor: He didn’t want you to see him die

Zoe: CONNOR


	22. Coma

Connor: I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so lets go for 12 more just in case. 

Evan: Connor thats a coma

Connor: Sounds festive


	23. Divorce

Evan’s dad: We got a divorce

Heidi: We messed up a perfectly good son is what we did. Look at it. It’s got anxiety


	24. Homeless

Evan: It’s okay! We can be homeless together!

Or

Alana: It’s okay! We can be homeless together!


	25. Gay Update

Connor: And now for a gay update with Zoe Murphy

Zoe: Getting gayer

Connor: Thank you Zoe


End file.
